No one ever said life would be easy....

No one ever said life would be easy...and if they did they were completely wrong.

I sit in the bathtub as I contemplate life. I rarely take a bath so when I do one should know that there is something weighing down on my shoulders. I sit with my toes under the faucet. I like the feeling of the water as it sprays out onto the top of my foot....the steam fogging up the mirror, and the only thing I can do is take a big sigh before my thoughts come pouring out of my brain. Today's thoughts are: growing up in life. I am not sure which one is flowing faster...the water or my thoughts.

The thing about the word wiser is it is paradoxical. In my opinion, you can't say someone is wiser b/c they now live on there own and have to pay bills. Yet you could say one is wiser b/c they realize that they are living on their own and have to come up with the funds for the bill...and they do just that, then pay the bills. That is neither here nor there. Let me relate the first statement and the word “wiser” to my situation.

I suppose as we grow and get older wisdom should come along through the lessons we learn along the way. We make a mistake, we realize we made the mistake, we learn from it, and we try not to do it again. That has not been my life. I have made plenty of mistakes only to turn around and make the exact same mistake expecting different results. Now this may sound foolish you. Hell this sounds foolish to me. Why on earth would someone realize they did something wrong and continue to beat their head? Well to be honest, I am not sure if I can answer that question just yet, but what I can do is take a look at my past.

Growing up life was relatively simple. My mom wasn't around much therefore I could do pretty much what ever I wanted to do. I was never into drugs, but with the lack of attention from my mom, I wanted to fill that void by getting attention from others. I would run around all hours of the night and come home when I pleased. There were no guidelines and the only time I ever got in trouble for something was when my mother wanted to see my father. See, from my point of view, the only time my father would come over was to discipline me and that was my mother's in with my father. She used me to get to him. So from an early age I figured out how to use people to get what I wanted. (not one of my best qualities or the one I like I highlight)

I learned how to play my mom against my grandmother, or my mom against my aunt. If I wanted something and someone would not give it to me I knew a little pouting and tears would do the trick. Looking back I am not proud of who I was and what I learned....that is why rectifying myself has become a big objective of mine.

Anyways using people carried into my adulthood. To be honest I didn't know who was trying to help me and who was trying to hinder. All I knew was that the women in my family all had tricks up their sleeves and the only way to win in their game was to out trick all of them. So I became a manipulator.

When I was 12 I stole a car, my mother's car to be precise. I had to go to court and the judge was going to let me go with a warning. However my father stepped in and asked the judge for a harsher punishment. I was very angry with my father at the time, but little did I know how much I would appreciate his discipline when I got older....At age 12 I was “locked up” at juvenile detention for three months before being shipped off to Boys and Girls Town in Missouri. Though I am not going to go into great detail about my stay there on this blog it defiantly helped to give me the structure that I needed/wanted in life. I was there for about two years and the only people that came to visit me were my grandpa and grandma....I believe this is the time when I decided that I was going to have my back whether I was right or wrong; I started thinking everyone was my enemy and I needed to defend myself no matter what.


Soon after I got out it wasn't long before I went back to my old ways(bumping myself on the head). Only this time I had more hate in my heart, my eagerness to learn and be open wasn't there, and I didn't care about anyone(myself included). My mother had kicked me out of her apartment whenever she felt the need to be alone but this time I stayed out for good. I was 16 and living on my own. It felt good not to have my family saying harsh things behind my back and smiling to my face. I mean they could have been talking behind my back, but I was not actively speaking to any of them so they couldn't be catty to my face.

Years went by and I saw who I was and who I wanted to be. There was a big difference. I see how the mistakes and what I have learned as a child has affected me and who I am becoming and want to become. I do not know why I did some of the things that I did in the past...but I do know that shedding my old skin has been tough and sometimes I get a clear notion that I have a lot more work to do.

Nowadays I keep climbing that mountain in order to become the person that I want to be. Sometimes I slip and and take a couple of steps back....but those who know me best would agree that I am very persistent...however I am working on being persistent for the wars that deserve the fight.

No one ever said life would be easy....and if they they did their life has not begun.

Pi

Oppps I forgot what day it was....

I started my day as usual. Early morning rise, breakfast, errands, and spent most of the afternoon taking care of business...Usually when I am done with all of my daily duties I end up at the gym. Nowadays, I am pooped by the time I reach the gym...however I still get a pretty good workout in. Anyways today, when I arrived at the gym, I noticed that there weren't a lot of people there. Maybe 7 at most. I thought this was odd b/c the place I workout usually host people until the closing hour. 'Oh well, it doesn't really matter', I thought....'I am here to get my workout in not to worry about others.' As the hours passed and I am into my circuit, I looked around and realized that I was the only person in the gym. It was 8pm and I had the wellness center as my own personal recreation. 'Okay', I thought, 'there has to be something going on in America for people to neglect the gym.' I glanced at the television hanging from wall and saw a bunch a people wearing green. Oh, it is St Patty's day. Everyone in the world is drinking and I am exhausted and working out.

How could I forget that it is St Patty's day? Hell I come from a long line of Irishmen...both on my mother and father's side. Plus, St Patty's day is such a fun day....everyone gets to dress up in green, watches a parade, hangs out with friends, and drinks green beer...

Maybe if I remembered it were St Pat's day I would of ditched my responsibilities and added about 3000 calories to my normal calories intake...oh and I can't forget about that blistering headache after all the fun has died down...but my instinct lead me to my normal daily activities. I have a routine and I stick to it most days. Besides, I can barley remember holidays so I cannot be held responsible for days that aren't even marked on a calendar. Or is it marked on a calendar? Hmm I am not sure. It is not on my blackberry's calendar therefore in my world it doesn't exist.

I started my day as usual, but I ended it solo at a gym and laying in my comfy bed thinking about the differences between myself and mainstream America. I will save that argument for another blog, but to sum it up I will quote Charles M. Schwab: “The hardest struggle of all is to be something different than what the average man is [whether the differences are significant or trivial]”.

More Sex with less disease.

I remember people asking the question: Why can men sleep with whomever they want and they are considered cool, but if a girl has more than one sexual partner they call her a slut? While I don't agree completely with the question above, I have always wondered why couldn't we just be assigned one good ass sexual partner for the rest of our life and fuck like rabbits? Wait, is this called marriage?

As I mentioned before sex has been apart of my life since swing-sets were introduced to me. I have always enjoyed it and wondered how I could get the feeling of euphoria all the time. However the sex I wanted was the orgasm, not every man ramming their (you know what) in my (you know what). For me that kind of sex has only been shared with a select few and more recently I have been waiting for someone great (not just in bed).

ANYWAYS

Why do some women find it “okay” to sleep with several different men? Especially without either one of them being tested for diseases? Let's start out with a small problem: bacterial infection. Yes, this is something that can be cured, however not without a little burn or itch that will irritate you for a while. Moving on to something BIGGER: a virus. Who in their right mind would risk possibly getting a type of virus (which you will have FOREVER) for an orgasm (which you can get at home by yourself or with your mate)?? I mean that sounds ridiculous. Nowadays people have a hard time committing to dinner, why would you want to commit to treating a virus for the rest of your life?

Now let's move onto the emotional side of things. Unlike a virus your feelings can fade, but not without a big mess. See what usually happens is: boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Boy and girl have sex. Boy and girl have LOTS of sex. Girl falls “in love” with boy. Boy meets another girl. And the cycle starts over only this time with another partner and lots of “complications” from the old girl. Not to mention the old girl has indirectly passed her “juices” onto new girl. My mind hurts thinking about all of the details I have left out. Point is, the 3 seconds of pure bliss is not worth risk....

Okay so there are diseases and complications, but what about the people who just love sex? What about the people who haven't found that one person to shack up with. Sex is apart of our DNA. We need to have it in order to keep our population growing. However in the mean time of waiting for “that one” my solution is: masturbation, masturbation, masturbation. It may not be as good a cuddling up to someone after the deed is done, or thrusting your stuff in something moist, but until you find that one that you can hump all day and all night without the worry of some type of infection, wait. Because there are too many risks involved in getting something that your hand can do just as well.